I remember the day we first met –
as vividly, as if it was only yesterday.
Only – it isn’t, like I am ruthlessly reminded
by every minute since you’ve gone away.
Gone away to that timeless, rootless place,
feared by those of us who remain earth-bound.
Leaving me alone – with my now useless senses,
in a world bereft of your touch, smell or sound.
My mind obediently brings up your memories…
Memories people tell me I have to unlearn.
But the addict within me instead snorts on them,
craving for more, never ceasing to yearn.
I often dream of a cataclysm –
an extinction of this world unfilled by you.
And the birth of another one with only us in it –
swooning in each other’s existence anew.
I search for your voice – or at least a whisper,
in the noise that this deafening silence makes.
To speak to me and tell me that it’s okay,
to drown my pain in these heartaches.
Like an ocean wave on the shoreline of my eyes,
A flood of tears rises and falls each day.
And through the prisms of those tears, I see
an otherwise colourful world turn grey.
They say I have become forgetful –
that I misplace things and forget names.
But I remember my entire world burning,
The day your body went up in flames.
I remember the shape its smoke made that day –
the shape of a hand waving a silent goodbye.
I remember not lifting my eyes off that smoke,
till it rose up and became one with the sky.
I remember the warmth of your touch,
melting the iciness of my frozen heart.
I shudder now in this unsympathetic cold,
that has set down again when it saw you depart.
I sometimes still feel that touch…
In the gentle breeze that first caresses my face.
Then tickles down my neck like you used to,
Over my chest like you let your fingers trace.
I remember our first dance together –
and my trembling hands holding your hips.
I remember sinking in your breathtaking beauty,
and resurfacing with a kiss on your lips.
Somewhere in my mind, we’re still dancing –
oblivious of fate’s audacity to interrupt.
Somewhere inside me, you continue to rumble –
as a volcano of emotions threatening to erupt.
I remember that you weighed just right enough,
So I could carry you over in my arms.
I remember resisting just weak enough,
to be happily bowled over by your charms.
I remember that you stood just tall enough,
for your curves to slot perfectly in my embrace.
I remember staring at you just long enough,
to map the purpose of my life on your face.
I remember your eyes telling me stories –
stories, that I spent my entire life reading.
Oblivious of the empty pages and an abrupt end,
to which those stories were deceivingly leading.
In the great mirror of your voluble eyes,
I saw myself fragmented and yet whole.
I loved how beautiful I looked inside them,
Camouflaged within the backdrop of your soul.
I remember our first quarrel – a one-sided affair,
You soon had me eating out of your hand.
At your irresistible best when you were sulking,
I merrily placed myself under your command.
I kept fighting and losing just to win your love –
And though you knew it, you readily took the bait.
I never knew I would be asked to make the cruelest flip,
Between losing to you and losing you to fate.
I remember the exact shade of pink you turned into,
When I knelt down and asked you to be my wife.
And how eternities passed in the four agonizing seconds,
Before you answered with the word that changed my life.
Moments with you that I had once taken for granted –
because I thought there were many more to come.
Moments that my miserly mind now keeps counting,
Wishing that if needed, it could conjure up some.
When I think of those delicately cherished moments,
I feel like I am alive and young again.
On the parched and barren lands of my heart,
Those moments fall soothingly as god-sent rain.
In the pause between the pace of my breaths,
I rage at the blasphemy of the air…
That flows in with each breath and pilfers a place,
That you once filled but is now left bare.
I don’t know which of us is more selfish –
You, for leaving me – abandoned and alone.
Or me, wanting to cage you again in my love,
Back from the serenity to which you have flown.
All I ask for is another kiss, another hug…
Another smile, another day – just one more!
Just another chance to hold your hand,
And accompany you, through the trap-door.
Lest I carry anything more than my emptiness,
I am stripped and searched wherever I go.
But that you still fill those empty spaces,
No one but me shall ever know.
I stare at the place you used to lay your head,
Now – just a wet pillow, watered by my tears.
I wish I could wrestle time and turn it around,
And relive every single one of those precious years.
Every night I fight sleep till it overpowers me,
Dragging me away from your thoughts.
Weary of the line that has now become my life,
I wait fervently for the final few dots.
I feel invincible in the shadow of your love,
Past breath, past death – it still endures.
Waiting patiently for His call to come, so
I can be once again – and this time, forever yours.
NISHANK MEHTA | 03.06.2016