You can’t imagine what it feels like –
to have your heart brutally broken.
Into a thousand shapeless shards –
and keep just one as a miserable token.
It is an infinite times more painful than,
having to break somebody else’s heart.
But surely you don’t need to imagine that,
having credibly played that loathsome part.
Often under a spell of warmth and affection,
We ease barriers and open the doors.
So that love may enter where it was forbidden –
And take firm anchorage on desolate shores.
I let you in and made you feel nice and warm –
And you swore it was the best you ever felt.
In the simmering concoction of your company…
I let my reservations and reticence melt.
I thought it was supposed to last forever –
This friendship, which I never ceased to boast.
Never expecting you to make the switch –
From ‘being there always’ to ‘been there almost’.
For I almost slipped into the gaping abyss –
That your absence left in my near-perfect world.
I almost got killed by the spear of emotions…
That whilst fleeing, you so brazenly hurled.
I almost lost my faith in love and people –
Unable to look beyond your deception.
I almost got mummified, deaf and blind –
No longer having faith in my own perception.
I come not to fight with you anymore…
Today I intend to bury these ghosts of past.
To relieve you the burden of ever answering…
The embarrassing questions that I never asked.
For it is easier to feel the hurt myself –
Than imprison you behind these moral bars.
It is easier to pretend being born ugly…
Than to blame you for my unsightly scars.
It is easier to accept your shocking indifference…
Than to expect the love, you know I deserved.
It is easier to purge it all in a catharsis…
Than to hold on to the precious bits I preserved.
It is easier to forget how it felt to be loved…
Than to teach myself how to hate you.
It is easier to play a villain in your story –
Than be the hero you say you never knew.
They say that nothing is ever permanent –
But the bitterness in my heart begs to differ.
And though I know the antidote lies inside…
You have locked it away and stolen the cipher.
I hope that one day, looking into a mirror –
You will notice the hollowness in your eyes.
And wonder how truth vanished from them…
As your irises try in vain to hide your lies.
Someday when I see you and our eyes meet…
I hope you don’t look down and avoid my gaze.
I want to see you pretend it never happened –
betraying the discomfiture your face portrays.
I don’t have the patience to wait any longer –
For it seems you have surely made your choice.
To live your life gratifying someone’s whims…
To kill your will and meekly surrender your voice.
And so I liberate you – and set you free…
Though it is my own freedom that I actually seek.
Forgiveness, after all, is an attribute of the strong –
And there’s little doubt about which of us is weak.
I forgive you – for the appalling silence…
That you left in place of an adequate apology.
And for the despicable defence that you put up –
When challenged by a conflicting ideology.
I forgive you – for listening from behind a mask,
To all the sweet words I spoke to your face.
For performing an incredible theft of trust,
And leaving behind not even a single trace.
I forgive you – for rendering my love orphaned,
my sentiments widowed and my faith forlorn.
For playing the meanest old trick in the book –
Showing me the flower and handing me the thorn.
I forgive you – for smearing dirt on my feelings…
Feelings that till today were selfless and pure.
Echoes from our past which to me are so clear…
In reaching you become so puzzlingly obscure.
Relationships flower only till they are watered –
And you left ours a tad too dry, a bit too long.
Someday you shall be asked an incriminating why –
But justification will not make it any less wrong.
I confer on you the highest honour there is…
In the realm of forgiveness and settled scores.
I forget you – I expunge your name and memories…
And sign off this last message – Cathartically Yours.
NISHANK MEHTA | 24.07.2016